shalomeanspeace

jaded sixth grader

2010-06-08T03:43:00.003-04:00

in just a few weeks, i'll be moving to a new town about two hours away.

this means, that on top of saying goodbye to the two churches i've been serving, i must also bid farewell to the beautiful people i've worked with at the local tutoring program.

there were only two goals i set for myself upon leaving seminary and re-entering the real world: 1) to tutor at a local school or community center and 2) sign up for netflix. i decided it would be important to start off with very realistic, achievable goals. =)

netflix has been great. the addition of streaming video through the wii has brought immense joy to my household.

but tutoring has been magnificent. the young girl that i'm assigned to strikes me as a 10 year old version of my beautiful goddaughter and i'm endeared to her immediately. the two hours of tutoring a week quickly becomes a source of joy in an increasingly busy schedule filled with church work and church people.

(author's note: grr...i typed out a long dialogue, but it wasn't saved in time.)

last week, as we were waiting for the end-of-the-year festivities to begin, i struck up a conversation around bella and edward and how their twilight romance is moving into real life. (i made sure she knew that it was great for her to be reading "twilight" books at age 11...21 and over? not so much.) i expressed my concern that they might just be caught up in the production of it all and that they don't have what it takes to last.

here's the line that sunk my heart: "they'll probably just get divorced in two weeks anyway. it's not a big deal."

"that doesn't make you sad?" i asked. "no. my cousin married this guy and got divorced two months later. it's not a big deal."

not a big deal?! what could this sweet child have seen and experienced that would make her think that divorce is not a big deal?!?

i pushed it out of my thoughts as we celebrated her and other hard-working students that evening, but since that night, i've been haunted by her sweet smile and innocent expressions nonchalantly conveying her truth: that divorce is nothing new.

i hope that divorce does not become part of my lived reality - but for now, i'm having a hard enough time finding a date! much more a partner to covenant with!
i wonder what's to keep me from being as jaded and cynical as this child though...it's not like i have someone to come home to - to physically remind me that i have committed to be present, to be vulnerable, again and again, day after day. that after the haze of twilight fades, the commitment that i've made to another still remains.

of course i'm being overly dramatic.

someday i'll look back on all these entries and wonder why in the world i was so caught up in love, the search for it, the readiness for it, etc. but until that day, my prayer for both myself and this beautifully gifted child is that we would unlearn some cynical thoughts...and also be open to new understandings of what it means to be saved by love.

I am ready for Love...

2009-10-28T00:19:00.002-04:00

I’m at the stage where commitment sounds more promising than dating; settling down has shed its stigma; partnership is what I long for.

Every couple months, I travel down to San Francisco for a 5-day session on spirituality. It is a total of eight sessions that span the bulk of two years, complete with a different book list and new faculty each session.

In this time away from home, I am surrounded by faces, accents and tshirts (clergy folk don’t have a ton of variety in their wardrobe when it comes to retreat settings) that become more and more familiar with each new session. Slowly, I am able to recall individual histories and ministry contexts with only a word or phrase as my prompt.

The personal enrichment though, aside from learning another’s story, is that in this process, my own story is taking shape. The deep desires of my soul begin to surface with increased prayer and intentional conversation. My likes and dislikes take a backseat to what the Spirit is working out. It is super slow work (slow by my instant-text-message standard) but I trust in it.

In discovering other folks’ spirituality, I’m beginning to see where my soul is fed, when I am most responsive to God’s “love energies.” Reading the Abbas and Ammas of the desert, Evelyn Underhill, and other deeply spiritual people have begun to chip away at the concrete casing around my heart and imagination called ‘reality’.

Joan Chittister says, “We do not realize that coming to know God has as much to do with coming to know ourselves as it does to anything we know about God. We do not recognize that it is what we are that will determine the nature of the relationship between God and ourselves. And for that to happen, readiness is the key.”

So for a while, I've felt ready -- in every body-aching expression of India's phrases -- ready for love.

But therein lies my problem. I was ready for love without fully experiencing "Love". The capital L explains it all. As much as I think "I'm ready", I know I'm too easily resentful, too easily doubtful, too easily swayed - am I the loving vessel that seeks to know love and Love?

Not yet...and yet, in my core, I believe I am enough.

So, I've turned another corner on this journey and am trying to get back to the basics of prayer and reading scripture; that I might become prayerful -- the consciousness that says, "God is near at all times, God is always available, and "if I ask and I listen and I reach out and I fill my heart with the words of the One who is the Word, then I will be answered."

This is what I'm really ready for...

break up music

2009-08-13T02:54:00.004-04:00

i believe a good break up is like being at a karaoke bar.

you hem and haw on the sidelines, asking yourself,"am i really going to do this?"

then, inspiration, a sudden burst of confidence hits and the next thing you know,

you're up there on your own. you second-guess yourself, "what did i just do?".
you, anxiety, and insecurity make up your three-person band.

now here's the real hard part: the music. of course, every good break up (just like every good karaoke performance) requires a good soundtrack.
or at least, that one good song that summarizes your relationship, or the angst you feel, or maybe it was "your song" while you were together - the kind that sends you into their arms in five notes or less.

we had a song like that. and even though it will always be a classic song to me - i wonder how to hear it's message to me today...is this a sign of days too far gone? is this confirmation that indeed, the one who held my heart through this song, is the same to hold it now?

if only luther were around to be my love guide! =) im only half-serious.
until i figure out the message behind/in/through the music, i'll keep looking for karaoke songs.

take it away, luther...

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone)
and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection built on lies, all lies
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine,

I'd rather have bad times with (please be mine) you,
than good times with someone else (I know)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (anytime),
than safe and warm by myself (so sure baby)
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart (my heart)

I'd rather have bad times with you (surely),
than good times with someone else (surely)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (oh yeah),
than safe and warm by myself (all by myself)
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart (you know it)
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoooo.....who holds my heart

just friends...

2009-07-26T02:08:00.003-04:00

relationships are strange organisms.

like a product in life's grocery store..
the shelf life varies depending on where, when, and with whom they are made.

i've sat in front of a laptop before...spilling my guts out in what i'd hope would be pretty words...about a relationship's expiration.

well kids, it's about that time again.

i moved away from believing in "the one"...but i thought he was close.
(how many times will i think this way?!)

i'm not saying it's over - how can anything be over when it's just happened? - but we did decide we'd take a break.
something that was a year in the making, i'm sure, is about complete.

my prayer is that God continues to walk with us both - and if there is a way for us to find each other in that 'good love' space i've longed for - then so be it.

284

2008-11-04T23:47:00.002-05:00

we did it.

finally, the west put the country on the right track.

as the polls closed at 8pm, cheering and balloons clouded my hearing and vision..before 8:01 hit, it was projected that california, oregon, and washington state put obama at 284.

can you believe it? of course you can believe it..it's easy to believe something that makes sense. and yet tears welled up in my eyes when the thought of real change occurring could be a few months away.

we did it.

oh my...

2008-10-20T22:11:00.002-04:00

i've written at least five entries since my last post..
and yet, haven't found the time to actually upload them.
weird. i thought the point of blogging was to simplify the stream of consciousness-sharing.

anyway, i am back in seattle. have been here for more than 4 months and yet am only now feeling like i've made a big transition.

fall is here and it's dark when i wake up in the morning. drizzly rain is not a stranger to me anymore now that summer's gone.

i miss my life in dc. my friends and loved ones -- and yet i wouldn't stay when i had the chance. the thought of job hunting when there are plenty of churches that need workers -- well it seemed unreasonable and a waste of resources.

sooo..i'm here. and i am going to get off my lazy a$$ and do something meaningful with my time here. we all have to grow up some time, right?

winter in july

2008-07-04T03:13:00.002-04:00

i pride myself on being so self-aware..
and this extends to awareness about other things going on in the world --
poverty, war, you know, things that the rest of the world is concerned with.

this week, the horror of war and its aftermath - like an insidious disease that slowly eats at one's body and soul - hit me in the face four different ways.

washington post online reported june as the deadliest month for american soldiers in afghanistan.

i was listening to the reports of iraq war veterans and the atrocities they not only witnessed, but participated in. that was yesterday early evening. i was driving and the road became blurry when i listened to a soldier describe other soldiers stomp on a body where rigor mortis had already set in, in order to get it into the truck. he said the image was seared into his memory forever and through his sharing, it seared itself into mine as well.

later that night, the evening news highlighted a soldier who was a victim of ptsd. the family talked about how the illness manifested itself in the young hispanic male. he turned on himself, his stepfather, there was bloodshed, and in the end, he lost his life. the image i'll remember from this is his mother sitting at their dining table looking at pictures and the distortion of her face as grief and anguish took over.

lastly, just an hour ago, i saw a rerun of lara logan on the daily show. the straightforward way she discussed iraq and afghanistan and the american way of jumping on the next bandwagon, forgetting the 5+ years we've been involved in perpetrating violence in other parts of the world...

my heart is aching for people who are so closely impacted by war. compassion and hospitality, the need to be loved - all parts of what distinguishes us from animals, simple organisms, and plants - are no longer present. i'm afraid we really are losing our humanity.

hello again

2008-06-27T02:56:00.003-04:00

since it's been far too long since i've posted anything..
a good way to ease back into the flow of blogging would be
to list the things that, if i had the time,
would have wanted to blog about.

here are a few topics:
- that guy who got jumped on wisconsin
- race and the presidential election
- final finals at wesley
- graduation
- packing up life and heading home

shalom still means peace.

what's the point?

2008-01-20T11:58:00.000-05:00

a few days ago, a chaplain engaged a small group of us church folk (agency staff and seminarians) in a conversation that could be boiled down to one question: what's the point?

what's the point of church, of lifting up each other's concerns in service, of...well, of it all i suppose. and i shared a point of view that i've always held, but never really voiced. "who am i to not feel the pain of another?" it could be doctored up a bit grammatically and given a touch of elegance, but this embodies my struggle to feel the pain of another even though i am half a world away. why am i so privileged as to have been born on u.s. soil? so that my reality is preoccupied with future career plans and if i'll ever get married...as opposed to sanitary water, malaria and feeding my family.

who am i not to also suffer these things? to worry about the same things that people my age and younger are concerned with?

so i mentioned this to a few people around me and they basically responded with, "but that's so heavy, i would be crushed under that burden." seriously? would we be crushed because we were too concerned about other people? we are so fearful of succumbing to the overwhelming hopelessness that situations in ghana, nicaragua, cambodia present - but have we ever tried to fully make their concerns and struggles our own?

clearly, we will never know the full extent to which poverty, dirty water, unpaved roads, lack of education affect their lives, our privilege prevents that from happening, but what if we believed that their issues were our own? i really don't think we would we be crushed by that burden. call me naive but i think it would make us more hopeful because in humanizing the suffering "other", we can relate better and are more inspired to do something. and then on the other hand, if i am crushed under this burden, i say better me than them.

teary-eyed

2007-12-25T10:59:00.000-05:00

my second christmas away from family and i only got teary-eyed..not bad.

christmas eve was the day i feared most of all because in my family, we would stay out - usually at church for evening services - and come home past midnight. we would heat up the noche buena food as we parceled out gifts for each of us. among the gifts we had for each other were gifts from church members scattered under the tree. those were always the first ones to be opened..not because they were insignificant and we wanted to get on with the more important gifts, but because they were for the whole family. we were always so egalitarian.

i dont remember a christmas where we didnt stay up even a little bit and open at least one present each. this american (or white? not sure) way of waiting until christmas morning is odd to me and i dont know if i'll adjust to it. hmm..

so last night, i curled up with a great book and read until my eyes got heavy. i knew i was drifting off to sleep when my hand began to sway and i lost my place in the book. as i tried to find my place again i heard the faint gospel christmas special on tv and someone going off on o holy night..probably the 16th version i've heard this week. realizing i could still finish tomorrow, i put the book down and drifted off to sleep.

maybe next christmas will be different.

deadlines

2007-12-14T07:57:00.000-05:00

it has been a while since i've posted anything...not since my overdramatic birthday plea in the beginning of october. =) let's just say that the day was wonderful and even the unexpected happened.

fast forward to the present. it is 8am and in exactly 16 hours, four papers will be turned in to my professors. the deadline of midnight seems like it is generous, but when papers have lingered on my desktop all week, i know better than to think i have lots of time.

and yet in the midst of it all, this seems like the perfect moment to share a few thoughts... (my mother would roll her eyes at my further procrastination)

it is december 14, 11 days until christmas, and i haven't the slightest care in the world for decorations, shopping/making gifts, and really...anything christmas. i attribute my lack-luster attitude toward the holidays and finals to no home to go to. i am so incredibly homesick...which is a lived reality for me, but it makes it hard to finish assignments because there is no great reward of comfort, food and family waiting for me.

as the semester and the year come to a close, i find myself in an awfully reminiscent mood, wistful really...and i can't help but think of the things that are changing, or how things have changed, and what i think about all of it.

the voice of reason says: when you cannot physically change your situation, you change how you feel about it.
the voice of a privileged girl says: who's gonna make me?

as i think on these things...missing family, freedom from finals, unsteady relationships, and frustration over my laziness when it comes to real social change...i look at the clock and it's 9:55. only 14 more hours to go...but i still have four papers to finish.

isolated incident...that occurs annually

2007-10-01T03:13:00.000-04:00

about this time every year, i begin to turn inward and make more room for random introspection. when in my immediate surroundings, folks begin to burrow themselves more and more deeply in work and school, i take some time out to be quiet, be sad, just be.

this occurs annually because my birthday is around this time. every year, without fail, the end of september and early october signal a falling away, a distance, and an end. of course, this is the significance of fall in general, right? leaves fall away from their trees, children go away to school, and the warmth and carefree-ness of summer taper off. and as much as i would like to count my emotional bend toward seasonal depression, i know it's not that.

i become sad and ridiculously difficult to please because i think that i won't feel special on my birthday. terrible, i know. but i really think this is the heart of it. i mentioned in another blog that i've grown up with the thinking that i'm somehow elevated, endowed with numerous gifts (which we all are, but here's my twist...) and therefore worthy of so much more than life has already offered. who told me that i should expect elaborate things this time of the year? everyone else seems so ridiculously happy with the smallest gestures and expressions of kindness...why can't i react that way?!

if it's a matter of flipping the grateful switch on in my head, consider there to be a short circuit. mentally, rationally, i know that God has already given me so much and every tiny act or special word should count as above and beyond. but in my heart (and i'm sure to some extent, a large part of my brain) it's not enough. my imagination runs wild with the possibility of being surprised this year, or being celebrated the next year, or etc etc. but it hasn't happened...not beyond my expectations at least.

and perhaps therein lies the problem. when i ask for something and get it, it never seems to be enough. i am challenged to make this the year that these isolated incidents cease, but maybe it's just another trick i play on myself.

in times like these i am reminded why eeyore is my absolute cartoon soul mate.

holy land part II

2007-09-26T23:53:00.000-04:00

the second phase of our trip began with a turbulent airplane ride into kerala. while i was observing the magnificent landscape, lush forests, rivers and plains, i accidentally erased all of my pictures - ugh - so i literally started with a clean slate.

at this point in the trip, i began to make fast friends with some of the folks on my immersion. i had a confidant in my onni, a sister in an old homie, and a true friend in an acquaintance. i thank God for these folks on this trip because it was in talking to them that i was able to be comforted yet challenged every single day.

jerry and chris were our hosts in kerala - mostly tiruvalla. they were students of dr. clarke a few years back and it was their coordination and extreme care for us that enabled us to explore the jacobite syrian orthodox church and all of the nuances that a young, well-educated, interracial couple brings. they were gifts to us on this trip - they broke things down for us, translated and interpreted conversations, shared new ways of thinking, and exposed our inconsistencies and prejudices.

the house boat was my favorite part of the trip. favorite because it gave the group such a sense of family, of belonging, of journeying together. we laughed at each other A LOT, then just chilled and let the experiences that we had had just sit. we drank beer, ate a wonderful meal...very last supper-ish. i think the pictures speak for themselves. (cut and paste to see)

http://travel.webshots.com/album/560393806AuTHCH?vhost=travel

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=15hu2t7b.1uya3bif&x=0&y=-kglxhr

we had audiences with more bishops, higher up-types, and other leaders in the community. all of which were interesting (i promise they were even though i'm not elaborating here) and after four days, we were on the move again.

after a 16 hour train ride, we arrived in bangalore, in the state of karnataka. i'm downplaying the train ride here, but it was my first time on a sleeper train and because i chose not to take 3 tylenol pms, i stayed awake for 15 hours. so we arrived in bangalore, with our baggage in tow, and stepped foot onto utc's campus.

united theological college transported me back to july 1992, dasmarinas, philippines to the campus of united theological seminary. gosh...the landscaping...typical flowers, broad-leafed foliage, banana trees, big calachuchi trees (plumeria in english), and old plastic buckets that double as watering cans. i saw a mother bringing her child to school which threw me into a spin of reminiscing..dressed in the school's uniform with a hat on his head and an oversized backpack on his mom's arm. gosh..i miss that life.

in this third and last phase of our trip, we would be going to different schools in the area to observe the education system, visit even more temples, visit a slum on independence day, and dialogue with the theological students.

this was by far the most chill time of our entire trip. we would get up rather leisurely at 8am. maybe follow our itinerary, maybe not. maybe go shopping, maybe not. i wanted to go go go - after all, when will i be in india again? - but we did a whole bunch of sitting and talking...to each other. ugh. we would walk around campus watching all the students run to their classes, a bit envious that we couldn't sit it, and find ourselves with little to do. it was a restful time for all of us - half the group was homesick (or just plain sick) - and so, a perfect time to transition back to stateside thinking and all the things that awaited us.

but i wasn't ready to leave. something pulled me to india...something was tugging at me..and i didn't feel like i'd fully addressed it yet. my head began to nod from side to side, instead of up and down. i was acclimated to the weather, the flow of time, and the food. i was reluctant to leave...and i'm still trying to figure out why. could there be something for me in a country that is so complete on its own? i dont know any of the languages, cannot understand the writings, and at the very most, have very little knowledge of the history and culture. so what's the deal?! my attraction was not to one person, or one place...it was to the vivid colors of women's sarees, to talking with anyone who would give me some time, to food that never before seemed palatable, to ways of thinking that defy foundational american beliefs.

for fear of sounding like some culture-sucking leech that latches on to anything that seems "out of the ordinary"...i'm trying not to focus on all the touristy parts of south india. i'm also trying not to emphasize the ridiculous hospitality we received because any filipino knows hospitality is a given. but this was an amazing experience for so many reasons. i saw God in colors and in mannerisms that i'm not accustomed to seeing. i heard praises lifted in interesting tones and musical combinations. i met God there and prayed that she would journey back with me.

not your mama's holy land - part I

2007-09-25T09:43:00.000-04:00

in two weeks, i got less than 15 mosquito bites...a record low for me.

for 15 days i ate some of the spiciest dishes i've ever had. bionic woman had nothing on me and my incredible stomach...i didn't get sick a single time.

for these two, and so many more blessings, i know the Lord was definitely with me.

i feel like counting down the days until i return to india - my first holy land - but i have no date...sooo i guess i'd just be counting days.

why the connection? what accounts for my need to return? let me tell you a bit about my trip through south india.

we began in chennai (madras) and hit the ground running. our first day we went to visit a slum 15 mins away from our hostel. the greeting there of course was lavish and extremely unnecessary. i know what it means to be in a poor asian slum (barrio) and to have "important" people come and visit. you break out the soda bottles with different colored plastic straws. you bring out the garlands made of fragrant, vibrant flowers. you assemble plastic chairs for your guests to sit while the children present a song and dance. this is normal for me -- not ever necessary, but i'm accustomed to it. the difference in this place however was that there were flowers everywhere. in kids' hands, on us, drawn on the ground; everywhere. the drums that began our short processional were soooo loud, my ears lost their hearing for a moment. we were welcomed into folks' homes and asked them questions about their family life -- wide-eyed, when they mentioned who all lived in the 6 x 8 ft space; puzzled as we tried to decipher what a head bob meant (yes or no?).

while in chennai we visited different churches and para-church organizations. the most notable interactions were with bishop devasahayam (church of south india) and the three hindu priest brothers at a temple built in the 10th century. bishop devasahayam laid out very clearly the makings of what could be his next book. in a systematic but inspiring way, he presented his thoughts on a new consciousness for being church - the makeup of Christ's body and what responsibility we have to them; how the Holy Spirit has moved through history in south india; the evil of the caste system and it's basis on inequality, segregation, and the denial of human dignity; the impact of globalization on dalits; and implications of new ecclesial consciousness that recognizes dalit identity.

needless to say, i took notes like a madwoman. man i wish i had a digital recorder.

we also visited a general hospital, specifically their hiv/aids clinic and listened to patients share stories on how they contracted the virus. heartbreaking stories of a partner's infidelity; the social pressure on one young male and the curiosity that left him feeling used and cheated by a sex worker; and an unknowing woman who now has to deal with the stigma of being barren on top of her status as hiv infected.
then the Lord said, "i have observed the misery of my people...i have heard their cry...indeed i know their sufferings, and i have come down to deliver them.."(exodus 3:7-8)

we left the first phase of our trip very tired, but thankful for everything that we saw, ingested, felt, smelled, inhaled, and processed.

excerpt from "what about hitler?"

2007-04-28T20:56:00.000-04:00

in preparing for my systematic theology creedal paper, i decided to ask some help from friends that are basically my version of a living library. thanks l.p and j.p!

i was researching for the section on evil when i came across the following excerpt. it comes from the end of the fourth meditation in robert m. brimlow's book, "what about hitler?: wrestling with Jesus' call to nonviolence in an evil world" ...

"If just war theory and supreme emergencies -- especially used by Walzer and Elshtain -- are sufficient to sanction the killing and destruction inherent in conventional and total wars, then they are sufficient to sanction terrorism as well: to accept one as right and proper is to accept the other, and this means we have no moral basis to object to what Al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations are doing. The United States responds to an attack that was, in itself, a response to an attack; the attempt of one to eliminate a threat to survival constitutes a further threat to survival for the other; and since each party to the conflict is evil objectified, all communication and negotiation are appeasement. The only alternative either side has is to violence, which begets more violence, until one or the other or both are destroyed.

Even on secular terms, this is immoral and pathological. How any Christian could reconcile this reasoning and the actions that follow from it with the call to live a life of discipleship to Christ is something I cannot comprehend."

- Robert M. Brimlow, "What about Hitler?", Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2006, p.98

and yet we reconcile it everyday...either that or we do the even more cowardly thing and choose not to engage it at all.

mark twain was a homie

2007-04-28T13:46:00.000-04:00

I am continually amazed at how much we don't learn from history..how much we carry on with business as usual, and fail to see that one person's thoughts, an administration's rhetoric, and a company's investments all have the potential of changing the world...for better or worse.

lately it's been for the worse. i've been absent in posting any blogs mainly for one reason: i don't want to be trite. i don't want to glorify great quotes or scathing commentaries of yester-year..i don't want to be seen as waxing poetic on some controversial issue..and not seen as taking action.

and then i realize it's not all about me. so here is a long overdue post. i think it speaks for itself. as a seminarian i guess i can't help but see the presence of God in all things..and how we as children of God, "fearfully and wonderfully made", disregard that.

The War Prayer," a short story or prose poem by Mark Twain, is a scathing indictment of war, and particularly of blind patriotic and religious fervor as motivations for war.
- Excerpted from The War Prayer (story) on Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Outraged by American military intervention in the Phillipines, Mark Twain wrote "The War Prayer" and submitted it to Harper's Bazaar. The women's magazine rejected it for being too radical; it wasn't published until after Twain's death, by which time World War I had made the piece even more timely. It appeared in Harper's Monthly, November 1916.

It was a time of great and exalting excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism...On Sunday morning [there was a] "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory --

An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued with his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, "Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!"

The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside -- which the startled minister did -- and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:

"I come from the Throne -- bearing a message from Almighty God!" The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such shall be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import -- that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of -- except he pause and think.

"God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two -- one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this -- keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.

"You have heard your servant's prayer -- the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it -- that part which the pastor -- and also you in your hearts -- fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. the whole of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory -- must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

(After a pause.) "Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits!"

It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

Retrieved from "http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_War_Prayer"

ubuntu

2006-09-12T00:09:00.001-04:00

it's troubling sometimes the amount of longing and expectation that i experience. it occurs on so many different levels too - being homesick for my family, waiting for mr. right (yet, not really waiting), being patient while God "reveals" the next step, and so on - so many layers that it can feel cyclical and never-ending.

so where does all the self-imposed torture come from? well, it's my own doing. duh, self-imposed, of course. but the anxiety that i entangle myself in stems from a basic uneasiness about acting and living and learning on my own. it's hard to leave the only family you have, to take a chance on a degree you're unsure about, for a career that has yet to be revealed. hah. either i have a sense of humor or my Creator does. i certainly don't trust myself, so i leave it to God.

so, with all this ambiguity, you'd think i'd be lost. just drifting through life. not really making any connections or investing in any real relationships. and that just might be that i am simply drifting...but i've realized recently that i am invested. i care about people -- deeply care. i'm still working on the 'showing it' part, but the bottom line is i care. that counts for something, right? this is a definite departure from a former self that my aunt loves to remind me of. recalling my treatment of an ex-boyfriend, my aunt will not let me forget how mean, snobby and downright hurtful i was to this man who embodies everything i want in a partner.

what is it that causes us to care deeply? is it compassion? has God finally sanded down rough edges that once left others feeling jaded and exposed? is it Christian love? a contrite heart and a renewed spirit? what IS it?

my guess? it's all about living in a post-9/11 world. (this might be a stretch, but stay with me a minute.)

for the past five years, we have enacted (and been targets of) acts of violence and terror and then forced to live with the resulting chaos and hurt that leaves people broken and confused, cynical and indignant. i went to college in this context, with this mindset; thus the human rights degree. i developed my sense of call to ministry in these times where the words "church", "evangelical" and "Christian" are enough to ignite strong social and political debate and even worse, a link between God and things that are the photo negative of humility, compassion, justice and mercy.

i am forced to care with the same compelling force that causes me to eat, drink, study and sleep. it's a need. i need to relate to another because i need to survive.

and ultimately, i need to recognize that the longing and expectation i feel - no matter how agonizing and painful at times - is present because my future - both joy and sorrow - lies in another's hands. in a society where independence and reliance on the self is touted as the paramount values, i recognize that i am utterly dependent on people, and that is okay.

archbishop desmond tutu reminds us to live our lives in connection through the South African concept of ubuntu:

"a person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed."

foreal this time

2006-08-03T01:12:00.000-04:00

i think of myself as too idealistic sometimes. so fascinated with the way mature, opinionated, well-traveled people are supposed to deal with things, that often, i overlook my own wants and desires.

i ended a relationship a while back with someone i once thought of as perfect. a real "man's man" yet playful and sweet, chivalrous and kind. athletic in every sense - from bowling to baseball - yet i often found him in front of a tv on a friday night just catching up on the classic romantic comedies.

so why'd we break up? here's where the first paragraph comes in. i thought that we'd be the perfect couple. that we'd respect and support each other in every way. but because we're both human and at that time barely 20...we screwed things up. not anymore than other people our age would have...but in my eyes, enough to tarnish the 'perfect couple' image i treasured in my heart and mind. so i let him go. i said i needed to experience more things. i needed to study and travel and encouraged him to do the same. always, however, keeping hope alive that after a few years, there'd be a bigger and better "us" to return to.

recently though, he brought me to a harsh realization. he informed that he finally let go of that hope that i loved to remind him of, while consistently hurting him by mentioning seeing other people. no big deal right? i should be happy because finally! he's moved past thinking of "us". so why am i so bothered? it's not like i never asked for it....it's not like he would wait for me forever.

so he's stopped calling. stopped sounding happy, even interested when i call. says he knows i'm doing fine and that's good enough for him.

great. that's just great. clearly, i've been nursing some deeeeeeep feelings for him inside. hah. just from reading this blog, it's painfully clear i never let go. but he seemed to think so. heck, i even convinced myself. but i hadn't really. so for the past two weeks i've been wrestling with whether to let go or not. never completely dismissing the possibility for something to happen later in life...but definitely killing whatever daydreams i had for a soon-to-be reunion. i mean after all, it's for the best. he's not worrying about me...i can finally let go of him...and we'll both be the better for it. so i deleted him from myspace and from my phone. ooooooo...scary right? hah, hardly i know. but it's a step. and each day that i'm not tempted to call or email or message, the stronger i'll get. the more comfortable i will be with the distance. and maybe that's when i can really say i've moved on.

but it's hard. and i'm sad a lot....more pensive. and i miss him. but you just have to let go of relationships sometimes and let them die a natural death so that they can be reborn again in healthier, nourishing soil -- soil that can sustain and nurture a mature relationship; instead of poisoning it and tearing it down.

sounds corny, but if i was a caller on a "delilah-ish" station, i'd request "goodbye to you" by michelle branch. it's pop-y and five years old...but it totally fits.

thanks delilah.

"goodbye to you" -- michelle branch

Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star

the trouble with love is...

2006-06-27T22:22:00.000-04:00

i think that's the title of a kelly clarkson song? not sure, but for some reason i have that hook in my head...and i'm not that creative at all, so i know it's not an original tune.

a friend shared some big news with me a while back, and despite her initial fears - that i would be a raging conservative and shun her - i couldn't have been more happy and supportive of her.

her situation reminds me though, that friends - no matter how close - can get mixed up in the drama that we ourselves help create, and that they too are capable of screwing up. this is grace that we should extend to everyone, especially those who are close to us, but it's precisely because they're close - thus, privileged - that we expect more, and are devastated when they can't just be "normal".

what is it with our need for things to return to normal? as if the world would be healed if everything went back to the way it was? are we so opposed to change and the great things that accompany it that we long for a time where we were comforted in less than stellar conditions and relationships? a time where we settled for 'good enough'?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

heartbreaker

2006-06-27T14:10:00.000-04:00

i recently read a los angeles times article alerting us to the fact that the baghdad morgue has released stats stating the iraqi casualties has now surpassed the 50,000 mark. and of course there are more that have died and just not been documented - few things are ever precise during war - meaning 50,000 is just another marker to be passed.

what could be worse? 25% of the 50,000+ were killed in "military clashes" - either they were shot by iraqi or american soldiers, or even more tragic, they were innocent bystanders - i got my calculator out for this one --> 25% = 12,500. 12,500 people, each of whom were unique creatures of the Holy One, had their lives taken away by misdirected bullets, bombs that missed their mark, and soldiers who were too hasty to act.

i'm not so arrogant as to think i'm the only one deeply grieved by this. by all of this - violence, misunderstanding, oppression, hegemony. living day-to-day in a city that harnesses so much of the nation's and further yet, the world's power, i grieve the lack of attention - the lack of remembrance - the lack of real change and positive action afforded to this egregious loss of human life.

my heart is so heavy, it's breaking...my mind is so full, that my thoughts overflow and i gush onto anyone around me willing to listen.

yes, God can mend this broken heart, even this broken world...but what's my part in all of this?

it's too easy to feel powerless and disconnected in these times - but we must resist! maggie kuhn believed that "power should not be concentrated in the hands of so few, and powerlessness in the hands of so many", and i agree. who says we don't have power? who says no one is listening? before delving into foucault's conceptions of power, we must believe that we are capable of affecting real change and then act on that belief.

sit with the pain and grief - cry, pray, sing out, even shout - and when you're done, or even in the midst of it all, "stand before the people you fear and speak your mind - even if your voice shakes. when you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say." - margaret kuhn

good friday

2006-04-14T23:46:00.000-04:00

today was the first day the sun showed itself for more than 5 mins...literally. which is funny since it's good friday...when the sun should refuse to shine...

speaking of which, we attended the good friday service here at wesley methodist church in governors harbour. wooden benches, light blue walls, electric fans..reminded me a lot of the philippines. the most meaningful part of the whole service was when a woman got up and gave a solo...her voice - the strength, the ease with which she sang - she made you experience the pain Jesus felt. and although i don't dwell on the atonement part that much, this song put me in a place of deep humility - where i could forget myself and just be blessed by God. it was a very moving song.

we were also able to get out to the beach...well sorta. we couldn't find any piece of water that had sand..just rocks, so we laid out on rocks for about two hours. a bit uncomfortable, but to see the bluest sky with even more blue water...oh it was so clear! my mom would have flipped out.

which reminds me, i really miss my family. like too much in some moments..but they know that i love them and im thinking of them constantly.

anyway, all in all, for all different reasons...this was a good friday.

bahama mama

2006-04-12T10:09:00.000-04:00

ingrid and i made it to the bahamas safely...spent a rainy day inside...and got up at 6 am this morning..

eleuthera is definitely not the tourist paradise many would assume the bahamas to be, but that's okay. it reminds me of being in the philippines when its raining..you know when those freak storms just blow through and you can't do anything but wait it out? same thing here...

i was afraid coming to the bahamas during holy week would be a smack in the face to the upbringing that taught me to be quiet and solemn during this week...to sit and reflect...hold back the laughter...just chill. but, im thankful i have an opportunity to be in an environment that compels you to praise God for the beauty of creation. deep right? but it's true, today we were taken to a point on the island where the atlantic meets the carribean. to see the five types of blue in the ocean...the pure white mass of the waters crashing together...a huge rainbow right behind us. it was a beautiful sight.

i'm off to work on putting down tiles in a kitchen. i hope your holy week has been just as meaningful.

two naps = no sleep when you need it

2006-04-04T01:34:00.000-04:00

it's april already... not quite sure how it came so quickly, but it's here and in the next three weeks im expected to hand in a total of 9 different projects/papers. for those who have never seen God in action, just stay tuned to this blog.

great news: my mom got a job in eastern wa 2 mins away from my dad. and there's not much of a pay cut. second, my sisters found a very reasonably priced apartment in renton. PRAISE GOD!

as for me, i've been chillin...knowing i have so much school work to do apparently doesn't phase me very much because i haven't been that stressed. and if i am stressed, i do a really good job of convincing myself that im not. it must be that west coast vibe...

i joined an online dating thing. ask me why... yup... good ol' peer pressure. can you believe it? i have never smoked a thing in my life or gotten drunk -- but online dating is apparently the one i couldn't resist. really though, it hasn't done much for me. i was flattered for about two days after i first published my profile, but now that it's been a week i'm just tired of it. i'm tired of the concept...that people are looking at my profile because i posted a pic. the cutest pic i could find, by the way, which doesn't make a strong case for me not wanting any of this. bottom line: i need to stop searching...thinking that i not only deserve a great guy that im attracted to and makes me laugh, but that i deserve him now.

crazy young people today....i tell you...just too damn impatient.

as soon as im ready...

2006-02-02T00:32:00.000-05:00

i will stop calling as soon as im ready.

i won't look for you when i sign on to chat.

i'll stop hoping i'll run into you around the next corner.

i might even stop checking my mail every morning expecting you've had an epiphany in your dreams the night before and all of a sudden, ready to try something.

i'll stop pretending like everything is okay...the day things really do become okay.

i won't hope for you to look at me and finally see something different, something beautiful.

all this i promise to do...all this i want to do...as soon as im ready.

there and back again

2006-01-17T19:30:00.000-05:00

just back from a month-long trip back home to seattle. being back home was nice...i jumped right back into a hectic schedule followed by christmas institute which we all know, is a whole other kind of hectic. but it was a blessed time.

my homesickness was cured after getting my tonsils out and being on bedrest for practically 10 days. i got to sleep in everyone's bed including both couches...was nursed back to health by my own personal nurses (thanks mom and ates!)...and caught up on some dvd watching ("bride and prejudice"---give it a shot and watch the whole thing, no promises you'll like it though).

being back at church was amazing of course. amazing in that i fit right in and no fuss was made...of course they welcomed me back, but they weren't surprised by me..which means i belong there, and im thankful for that. the coolest part was when my pastor announced that there was going to be a meeting to recommend me to the ministerial process, the congregation started clapping! and then in the middle of the clapping one of the aunties stands up and gives me a hug! it was so encouraging and heart-warming...i really felt support and affirmation, which until then, i assumed i wouldn't get.

i have to admit it was extremely hard to leave for school this time...maybe even harder than the first time. we're selling our house, so that could be the last time i see it. my grandma is leaving to go back to the philippines, won't see her for a while. my mom took care of me everyday, i haven't had that for years, and it was just so special. leaving my best friend yet again, dang that is never easy. so much crying! and everytime i cried i got these sharp pains in my throat so i just sobbed a bunch.

i am back at school now...new people, new schedule. didn't get an hour of sleep last night, hope that changes. but it is good to be back. i even got a double hug from someone that was very very sweet. it's nice to have a community to come back to.

informative...

2005-12-01T01:56:00.000-05:00

i attended a really informative presentation on three pandemics the world is currently facing: world hunger, aids, and the church. it's interesting that the church would be among the major tragedies claiming the lives of millions...but it's there for a reason.

too often i am quick to say that people should be empowered to change the direction of their lives....that if only given the tools, one could achieve anything. i believe that there are systemic problems in our country that prevent certain people from being independent...providing their family with food and their children with security. that if only people were paid a living wage, despite differing levels of education and economic standing, one would still be able to provide for one's family.

but maybe im operating on a different plane. maybe i'm missing the point that without food in one's belly, one can't think and operate and be expected to change the future. disease and hunger go hand in hand..especially in the poorer parts of the world. without the proper nutrition, no amount of medicine could save anyone from a deadly disease. maybe that's the point i need to remember when i start climbing up on my soapbox and preach about systemic failures that are the causes of strife today.

tomorrow is world aids day. im sure red ribbons will dot the lapels of many...of course there will be media coverage on the events taking place around the world...and more statistics will be thrown out to shock us into caring. but what happens on december 2 when it isn't officially aids day anymore? will we still talk about the disease that leaves too many families hungry and destitute? will we still want to learn about ways we can help provide relief? will we care that there are too many children left as orphans every minute?

i want to remember all these things...its too arrogant and selfish not to.

i am thankful for..

2005-11-23T21:22:00.001-05:00

its beginning to look a lot like christmas...

at least at crate and barrel it is. can you believe a customer actually complained about the lack of holiday decor in the store? sheesh...guess you gotta go full out gaudy in order to be 'festive'.

this is the first time ive been away from home for thanksgiving...the turkey, cranberry sauce, my greenbean casserole, and oohhhhhh my mashed potatoes. i really miss the food. i really miss my family.

a friend just called and mentioned that it was snowing outside. can you believe it? snowing before thanksgiving. goodness, its soo beautiful outside. very picturesque....fall has left the branches bare..and now the snow is dusting everything..like powdered sugar.

i could sit here and feel extra sorry for myself...but the truth is, i am extremely thankful this year. i have my health, which some know is a huge feat...i have so many new friends here at school...good, genuine, friends that you can confide in and drink pumpkin ale with....and of course, i have my family..which at the moment is spread out around the world..none too close to me at the moment..but i have the security of knowing that many people are there for all the right reasons, encouraging me, supporting me in my walk with God and through everything, checking in on me and making sure im doing well.

thank you Lord for the many many blessings.

family

2005-11-15T16:36:00.000-05:00

i had a great weekend with my family....ate sophie and ate sarah along with my bestest friend in the world came to visit me. they came on thurs night and left on monday. they were able to meet all my seminary people...got to sleep in the dorms...took the metro...saw some monuments...i think they had a good time.

it is amazing that one minute you can be loud and rowdy with your friends and family all around you..and the next minute it seems like everything is calm again, and things are back to normal...and your family's gone back home..and your left feeling kinda sad. i am grateful for the opportunity to spend time with them...the generosity and thoughtfulness they show whenever they visit me...im just very blessed.

oh and i got used as a prop in a picture during the candlelight vigil last week. check it out: http://www.bwcumc.org/

daily bread

2005-11-01T22:51:00.000-05:00

today was interesting...

it started out slow, not getting enough sleep from the night before...i just laid in bed while my roommate got ready for class. i was thinking what a beautiful day was about to unfold. i knew the vigil would be later on that day...and before that would be chapel and a midterm. i just laid there praying for strength and wisdom...for forgiveness because i hadn't studied enough...and for humility because the vigil, as beautiful as it was, was to be a silent witness, not a chance for more acclaim.

class went well. chapel was nice. the midterm wasn't as brutal as i thought. and then the news came that someone had stolen both me and my roommate's laptops...and some. it was surreal. someone was in our room? someone looked through my stuff and took my things? but thank you Lord for my roommate...i took my cue from her, that while this chaos was ensuing, she provided the calm. reminding me that we still have our health and are blessed far more than what we need, my roommate lent me some of her gentle spirit and got me through what could have been an awful day.

my attention was refocused on the all saints day service and as the sun set, the luminaries grew with intensity and forced me to keep my thoughts on the real issues at hand. i felt God's presence in the midst of a mixed crowd of neighbors, students and faculty reciting a litany in which every phrase carried weight yet, extended hope.

in one of the oldest prayers i know, we ask God for daily bread...not for bread to last for the next six months...not for the next six years...but for strength, guidance and mercy on a day to day basis. with all the ups and downs this day brought, i thank God for the daily bread given to handle it all.

be a witness

2005-11-01T03:22:00.000-05:00

tomorrow's an important day. im blessed enough to be a part of a community that fuses active faith with contemporary issues. unfortunately, due to the enormous impact the iraq war has made on lives everywhere, my community has started a tradition of commemorating u.s. soldiers that have died in the iraq war. tomorrow we set out 2026 (as of a few hours ago) luminaries to remember u.s. soldiers...not at all forgetting the 15 times as many civilians who've died also.

the weather will be beautiful. people will come and help in the overwhelming task of creating 2000+ luminaries. passersby will gaze in awe at the sight of hundreds of lights dotting the hillside. students will sing about hope and peace. and hopefully, in the whole mix, someone will see that we've been a witness...to what God wants in the world.