foreal this time

i think of myself as too idealistic sometimes. so fascinated with the way mature, opinionated, well-traveled people are supposed to deal with things, that often, i overlook my own wants and desires.

i ended a relationship a while back with someone i once thought of as perfect. a real "man's man" yet playful and sweet, chivalrous and kind. athletic in every sense - from bowling to baseball - yet i often found him in front of a tv on a friday night just catching up on the classic romantic comedies.

so why'd we break up? here's where the first paragraph comes in. i thought that we'd be the perfect couple. that we'd respect and support each other in every way. but because we're both human and at that time barely 20...we screwed things up. not anymore than other people our age would have...but in my eyes, enough to tarnish the 'perfect couple' image i treasured in my heart and mind. so i let him go. i said i needed to experience more things. i needed to study and travel and encouraged him to do the same. always, however, keeping hope alive that after a few years, there'd be a bigger and better "us" to return to.

recently though, he brought me to a harsh realization. he informed that he finally let go of that hope that i loved to remind him of, while consistently hurting him by mentioning seeing other people. no big deal right? i should be happy because finally! he's moved past thinking of "us". so why am i so bothered? it's not like i never asked for it....it's not like he would wait for me forever.

so he's stopped calling. stopped sounding happy, even interested when i call. says he knows i'm doing fine and that's good enough for him.

great. that's just great. clearly, i've been nursing some deeeeeeep feelings for him inside. hah. just from reading this blog, it's painfully clear i never let go. but he seemed to think so. heck, i even convinced myself. but i hadn't really. so for the past two weeks i've been wrestling with whether to let go or not. never completely dismissing the possibility for something to happen later in life...but definitely killing whatever daydreams i had for a soon-to-be reunion. i mean after all, it's for the best. he's not worrying about me...i can finally let go of him...and we'll both be the better for it. so i deleted him from myspace and from my phone. ooooooo...scary right? hah, hardly i know. but it's a step. and each day that i'm not tempted to call or email or message, the stronger i'll get. the more comfortable i will be with the distance. and maybe that's when i can really say i've moved on.

but it's hard. and i'm sad a lot....more pensive. and i miss him. but you just have to let go of relationships sometimes and let them die a natural death so that they can be reborn again in healthier, nourishing soil -- soil that can sustain and nurture a mature relationship; instead of poisoning it and tearing it down.

sounds corny, but if i was a caller on a "delilah-ish" station, i'd request "goodbye to you" by michelle branch. it's pop-y and five years old...but it totally fits.

thanks delilah.

"goodbye to you" -- michelle branch

Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star