ubuntu

it's troubling sometimes the amount of longing and expectation that i experience. it occurs on so many different levels too - being homesick for my family, waiting for mr. right (yet, not really waiting), being patient while God "reveals" the next step, and so on - so many layers that it can feel cyclical and never-ending.

so where does all the self-imposed torture come from? well, it's my own doing. duh, self-imposed, of course. but the anxiety that i entangle myself in stems from a basic uneasiness about acting and living and learning on my own. it's hard to leave the only family you have, to take a chance on a degree you're unsure about, for a career that has yet to be revealed. hah. either i have a sense of humor or my Creator does. i certainly don't trust myself, so i leave it to God.

so, with all this ambiguity, you'd think i'd be lost. just drifting through life. not really making any connections or investing in any real relationships. and that just might be that i am simply drifting...but i've realized recently that i am invested. i care about people -- deeply care. i'm still working on the 'showing it' part, but the bottom line is i care. that counts for something, right? this is a definite departure from a former self that my aunt loves to remind me of. recalling my treatment of an ex-boyfriend, my aunt will not let me forget how mean, snobby and downright hurtful i was to this man who embodies everything i want in a partner.

what is it that causes us to care deeply? is it compassion? has God finally sanded down rough edges that once left others feeling jaded and exposed? is it Christian love? a contrite heart and a renewed spirit? what IS it?

my guess? it's all about living in a post-9/11 world. (this might be a stretch, but stay with me a minute.)

for the past five years, we have enacted (and been targets of) acts of violence and terror and then forced to live with the resulting chaos and hurt that leaves people broken and confused, cynical and indignant. i went to college in this context, with this mindset; thus the human rights degree. i developed my sense of call to ministry in these times where the words "church", "evangelical" and "Christian" are enough to ignite strong social and political debate and even worse, a link between God and things that are the photo negative of humility, compassion, justice and mercy.

i am forced to care with the same compelling force that causes me to eat, drink, study and sleep. it's a need. i need to relate to another because i need to survive.

and ultimately, i need to recognize that the longing and expectation i feel - no matter how agonizing and painful at times - is present because my future - both joy and sorrow - lies in another's hands. in a society where independence and reliance on the self is touted as the paramount values, i recognize that i am utterly dependent on people, and that is okay.

archbishop desmond tutu reminds us to live our lives in connection through the South African concept of ubuntu:

"a person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed."