Monday, October 01, 2007

isolated incident...that occurs annually

about this time every year, i begin to turn inward and make more room for random introspection. when in my immediate surroundings, folks begin to burrow themselves more and more deeply in work and school, i take some time out to be quiet, be sad, just be.

this occurs annually because my birthday is around this time. every year, without fail, the end of september and early october signal a falling away, a distance, and an end. of course, this is the significance of fall in general, right? leaves fall away from their trees, children go away to school, and the warmth and carefree-ness of summer taper off. and as much as i would like to count my emotional bend toward seasonal depression, i know it's not that.

i become sad and ridiculously difficult to please because i think that i won't feel special on my birthday. terrible, i know. but i really think this is the heart of it. i mentioned in another blog that i've grown up with the thinking that i'm somehow elevated, endowed with numerous gifts (which we all are, but here's my twist...) and therefore worthy of so much more than life has already offered. who told me that i should expect elaborate things this time of the year? everyone else seems so ridiculously happy with the smallest gestures and expressions of kindness...why can't i react that way?!

if it's a matter of flipping the grateful switch on in my head, consider there to be a short circuit. mentally, rationally, i know that God has already given me so much and every tiny act or special word should count as above and beyond. but in my heart (and i'm sure to some extent, a large part of my brain) it's not enough. my imagination runs wild with the possibility of being surprised this year, or being celebrated the next year, or etc etc. but it hasn't happened...not beyond my expectations at least.

and perhaps therein lies the problem. when i ask for something and get it, it never seems to be enough. i am challenged to make this the year that these isolated incidents cease, but maybe it's just another trick i play on myself.

in times like these i am reminded why eeyore is my absolute cartoon soul mate.