teary-eyed

my second christmas away from family and i only got teary-eyed..not bad.

christmas eve was the day i feared most of all because in my family, we would stay out - usually at church for evening services - and come home past midnight. we would heat up the noche buena food as we parceled out gifts for each of us. among the gifts we had for each other were gifts from church members scattered under the tree. those were always the first ones to be opened..not because they were insignificant and we wanted to get on with the more important gifts, but because they were for the whole family. we were always so egalitarian.

i dont remember a christmas where we didnt stay up even a little bit and open at least one present each. this american (or white? not sure) way of waiting until christmas morning is odd to me and i dont know if i'll adjust to it. hmm..

so last night, i curled up with a great book and read until my eyes got heavy. i knew i was drifting off to sleep when my hand began to sway and i lost my place in the book. as i tried to find my place again i heard the faint gospel christmas special on tv and someone going off on o holy night..probably the 16th version i've heard this week. realizing i could still finish tomorrow, i put the book down and drifted off to sleep.

maybe next christmas will be different.

deadlines

it has been a while since i've posted anything...not since my overdramatic birthday plea in the beginning of october. =) let's just say that the day was wonderful and even the unexpected happened.

fast forward to the present. it is 8am and in exactly 16 hours, four papers will be turned in to my professors. the deadline of midnight seems like it is generous, but when papers have lingered on my desktop all week, i know better than to think i have lots of time.

and yet in the midst of it all, this seems like the perfect moment to share a few thoughts... (my mother would roll her eyes at my further procrastination)

it is december 14, 11 days until christmas, and i haven't the slightest care in the world for decorations, shopping/making gifts, and really...anything christmas. i attribute my lack-luster attitude toward the holidays and finals to no home to go to. i am so incredibly homesick...which is a lived reality for me, but it makes it hard to finish assignments because there is no great reward of comfort, food and family waiting for me.

as the semester and the year come to a close, i find myself in an awfully reminiscent mood, wistful really...and i can't help but think of the things that are changing, or how things have changed, and what i think about all of it.

the voice of reason says: when you cannot physically change your situation, you change how you feel about it.
the voice of a privileged girl says: who's gonna make me?

as i think on these things...missing family, freedom from finals, unsteady relationships, and frustration over my laziness when it comes to real social change...i look at the clock and it's 9:55. only 14 more hours to go...but i still have four papers to finish.